South lets out a bitter little laugh and squeezes his hand tight. "I— I don't even fucking know, that's the stupid thing. You... you were right, when you said that shit, I was being impossible. I uh—"
Something on the other side of the room is suddenly very, very interesting. But she needs to tell him this just as much as she needed to tell him about the alcohol.
"...'Lina— 'Lina talked me through a lot of shit. And she said— she said she thinks I'm... ill. You know. Up—" she lifts their joined hands to gently tap the side of her head with his knuckles. "Here. And that's... that's why. Why a lot of things, I guess."
South blinks at him for a solid three seconds before— "...jesus christ am I the only fucking idiot who didn't think this was a fucking option for me? Lina saying that shit was like— like a fucking kick in the head! I thought— fuck, Di, I thought I was just fucking broken. That I'd always been broken."
Right from the start. Some inherent piece of her that had never formed right, that could somehow explain why everyone hated her from the jump.
"...but I— I wasn't. Right? I wasn't always this bad. Was I? I... I actually, ha, I can't. Remember." She flinches at herself. "S-Sorry. Stupid question."
"No, you're not broken. And it wasn't always this bad. It kinda happened over time, starting when we were kids, but it wasn't this rough till we were in the military," North explains. "And I mean--- like I said, me too. I got like. Probably some kind of anxiety disorder? I never had time to look into it, I just sorta figured out how to work around it. You can, too. And we can even do better, we can actually try and figure this shit out for real, you know?"
It's hard not to start feeling like she's constantly the last person to know things about her own life, right now. She has to take a second to let the words sink in through the barrier of the contrariness that feeling inspires, squeezing North's hand tighter again as she does.
Anxiety disorder. Sure. That makes as much sense as anything, for him. (How did she go all these years not realising how deep it all ran, in him? Fuck.)
"...I don't even know what it could be," she says, finally. "Lina pointed at the, uh— intense emotions and uh. Codependency. But that's... kinda it. Probably why I get so fucking jealous. This uh..."
Her grip loosens, feeling suddenly embarrassed and like she should pull her hand away but not actually wanting to.
"...Theta— Theta wasn't the first time. Just the worst."
"...usually when you uh, got— serious, with someone. Like, dating wise. Friends, sometimes, but they— they didn't usually take time the same way, I-I don't know."
She's cringing even as she admits it, humiliated by her own stupid emotions. It's not normal to be jealous of people around your brother, like this, and knowing it's something wrong with her brain helps rationalise it but... ugh.
"You never did anything wrong, you were just... living your fuckin' life and I'd sit there feeling fucking sick because you didn't have as much time for me and— it's fucking stupid. I never said anything because it was fucking stupid."
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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A beat.
"...I wanna know how to be what you need me to be."
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South lets out a bitter little laugh and squeezes his hand tight. "I— I don't even fucking know, that's the stupid thing. You... you were right, when you said that shit, I was being impossible. I uh—"
Something on the other side of the room is suddenly very, very interesting. But she needs to tell him this just as much as she needed to tell him about the alcohol.
"...'Lina— 'Lina talked me through a lot of shit. And she said— she said she thinks I'm... ill. You know. Up—" she lifts their joined hands to gently tap the side of her head with his knuckles. "Here. And that's... that's why. Why a lot of things, I guess."
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South blinks at him for a solid three seconds before— "...jesus christ am I the only fucking idiot who didn't think this was a fucking option for me? Lina saying that shit was like— like a fucking kick in the head! I thought— fuck, Di, I thought I was just fucking broken. That I'd always been broken."
Right from the start. Some inherent piece of her that had never formed right, that could somehow explain why everyone hated her from the jump.
"...but I— I wasn't. Right? I wasn't always this bad. Was I? I... I actually, ha, I can't. Remember." She flinches at herself. "S-Sorry. Stupid question."
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It's hard not to start feeling like she's constantly the last person to know things about her own life, right now. She has to take a second to let the words sink in through the barrier of the contrariness that feeling inspires, squeezing North's hand tighter again as she does.
Anxiety disorder. Sure. That makes as much sense as anything, for him. (How did she go all these years not realising how deep it all ran, in him? Fuck.)
"...I don't even know what it could be," she says, finally. "Lina pointed at the, uh— intense emotions and uh. Codependency. But that's... kinda it. Probably why I get so fucking jealous. This uh..."
Her grip loosens, feeling suddenly embarrassed and like she should pull her hand away but not actually wanting to.
"...Theta— Theta wasn't the first time. Just the worst."
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"...usually when you uh, got— serious, with someone. Like, dating wise. Friends, sometimes, but they— they didn't usually take time the same way, I-I don't know."
She's cringing even as she admits it, humiliated by her own stupid emotions. It's not normal to be jealous of people around your brother, like this, and knowing it's something wrong with her brain helps rationalise it but... ugh.
"You never did anything wrong, you were just... living your fuckin' life and I'd sit there feeling fucking sick because you didn't have as much time for me and— it's fucking stupid. I never said anything because it was fucking stupid."