South winces, drops her head back into her palms so she doesn't have to look at him. "...yeah. Since— since a few weeks after we left."
Should've told him the first time she explained this. (He's going to be hurt again. He's going to want her gone again—)
"They called me one night, when you were asleep. They didn't seem to know we were already fuckin' together, so they... assigned me to finding you and Theta. Promised me an AI if I did everything they asked. Honestly I— I didn't even believe that part, I just— figured it'd get me information. And so long as they didn't know I was with you. I-I could use that to keep us safe until... until I convinced you to give Theta up. Obviously, I know that was fucking stupid, now. Every fucking plan I made was fucking stupid."
Admittedly, that wasn't a bad plan. Using them for info. But why didn't she tell him?
Ugh. Whatever. He doesn't want to deal with this. He compartmentalizes it as just another facet of the whole "getting him killed" debacle and stamps the package with "As Dealt With As It Can Be." Moving on.
"Just one more tangle in this fucking knot, I guess," he grumbles, scrubbing his face. "Listen, I just wanted you to know. The whole thing, it was--- engineered. And I don't wanna waste any more time resenting each other when we didn't do it. They did. But we're stronger than that. And we're not gonna let the bastards win."
She drops her hands, eyes him a little nervously in her periphery. Hoping she hasn't planted another bomb that's going to blow up in her face again. She doesn't know if she could handle another fight, like before.
"...yeah. I— I don't, ha, I don't— feel, very strong, right now, but I don't wanna let them fucking win. We— we won't." She digs her teeth into her lip, then lays her hand on the table face-up next to him. "...I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry for every bullshit fucking lie, and— and every horrible thing I fucking said, and getting you hurt, and... and everything. Even— even if it was them. I'm sorry. I-I wanna be better."
South lets out a bitter little laugh and squeezes his hand tight. "I— I don't even fucking know, that's the stupid thing. You... you were right, when you said that shit, I was being impossible. I uh—"
Something on the other side of the room is suddenly very, very interesting. But she needs to tell him this just as much as she needed to tell him about the alcohol.
"...'Lina— 'Lina talked me through a lot of shit. And she said— she said she thinks I'm... ill. You know. Up—" she lifts their joined hands to gently tap the side of her head with his knuckles. "Here. And that's... that's why. Why a lot of things, I guess."
South blinks at him for a solid three seconds before— "...jesus christ am I the only fucking idiot who didn't think this was a fucking option for me? Lina saying that shit was like— like a fucking kick in the head! I thought— fuck, Di, I thought I was just fucking broken. That I'd always been broken."
Right from the start. Some inherent piece of her that had never formed right, that could somehow explain why everyone hated her from the jump.
"...but I— I wasn't. Right? I wasn't always this bad. Was I? I... I actually, ha, I can't. Remember." She flinches at herself. "S-Sorry. Stupid question."
"No, you're not broken. And it wasn't always this bad. It kinda happened over time, starting when we were kids, but it wasn't this rough till we were in the military," North explains. "And I mean--- like I said, me too. I got like. Probably some kind of anxiety disorder? I never had time to look into it, I just sorta figured out how to work around it. You can, too. And we can even do better, we can actually try and figure this shit out for real, you know?"
It's hard not to start feeling like she's constantly the last person to know things about her own life, right now. She has to take a second to let the words sink in through the barrier of the contrariness that feeling inspires, squeezing North's hand tighter again as she does.
Anxiety disorder. Sure. That makes as much sense as anything, for him. (How did she go all these years not realising how deep it all ran, in him? Fuck.)
"...I don't even know what it could be," she says, finally. "Lina pointed at the, uh— intense emotions and uh. Codependency. But that's... kinda it. Probably why I get so fucking jealous. This uh..."
Her grip loosens, feeling suddenly embarrassed and like she should pull her hand away but not actually wanting to.
"...Theta— Theta wasn't the first time. Just the worst."
"...usually when you uh, got— serious, with someone. Like, dating wise. Friends, sometimes, but they— they didn't usually take time the same way, I-I don't know."
She's cringing even as she admits it, humiliated by her own stupid emotions. It's not normal to be jealous of people around your brother, like this, and knowing it's something wrong with her brain helps rationalise it but... ugh.
"You never did anything wrong, you were just... living your fuckin' life and I'd sit there feeling fucking sick because you didn't have as much time for me and— it's fucking stupid. I never said anything because it was fucking stupid."
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no subject
"You were working Recovery?"
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South winces, drops her head back into her palms so she doesn't have to look at him. "...yeah. Since— since a few weeks after we left."
Should've told him the first time she explained this. (He's going to be hurt again. He's going to want her gone again—)
"They called me one night, when you were asleep. They didn't seem to know we were already fuckin' together, so they... assigned me to finding you and Theta. Promised me an AI if I did everything they asked. Honestly I— I didn't even believe that part, I just— figured it'd get me information. And so long as they didn't know I was with you. I-I could use that to keep us safe until... until I convinced you to give Theta up. Obviously, I know that was fucking stupid, now. Every fucking plan I made was fucking stupid."
no subject
Admittedly, that wasn't a bad plan. Using them for info. But why didn't she tell him?
Ugh. Whatever. He doesn't want to deal with this. He compartmentalizes it as just another facet of the whole "getting him killed" debacle and stamps the package with "As Dealt With As It Can Be." Moving on.
"Just one more tangle in this fucking knot, I guess," he grumbles, scrubbing his face. "Listen, I just wanted you to know. The whole thing, it was--- engineered. And I don't wanna waste any more time resenting each other when we didn't do it. They did. But we're stronger than that. And we're not gonna let the bastards win."
no subject
She drops her hands, eyes him a little nervously in her periphery. Hoping she hasn't planted another bomb that's going to blow up in her face again. She doesn't know if she could handle another fight, like before.
"...yeah. I— I don't, ha, I don't— feel, very strong, right now, but I don't wanna let them fucking win. We— we won't." She digs her teeth into her lip, then lays her hand on the table face-up next to him. "...I'm sorry. I-I'm sorry for every bullshit fucking lie, and— and every horrible thing I fucking said, and getting you hurt, and... and everything. Even— even if it was them. I'm sorry. I-I wanna be better."
no subject
A beat.
"...I wanna know how to be what you need me to be."
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South lets out a bitter little laugh and squeezes his hand tight. "I— I don't even fucking know, that's the stupid thing. You... you were right, when you said that shit, I was being impossible. I uh—"
Something on the other side of the room is suddenly very, very interesting. But she needs to tell him this just as much as she needed to tell him about the alcohol.
"...'Lina— 'Lina talked me through a lot of shit. And she said— she said she thinks I'm... ill. You know. Up—" she lifts their joined hands to gently tap the side of her head with his knuckles. "Here. And that's... that's why. Why a lot of things, I guess."
no subject
no subject
South blinks at him for a solid three seconds before— "...jesus christ am I the only fucking idiot who didn't think this was a fucking option for me? Lina saying that shit was like— like a fucking kick in the head! I thought— fuck, Di, I thought I was just fucking broken. That I'd always been broken."
Right from the start. Some inherent piece of her that had never formed right, that could somehow explain why everyone hated her from the jump.
"...but I— I wasn't. Right? I wasn't always this bad. Was I? I... I actually, ha, I can't. Remember." She flinches at herself. "S-Sorry. Stupid question."
no subject
no subject
It's hard not to start feeling like she's constantly the last person to know things about her own life, right now. She has to take a second to let the words sink in through the barrier of the contrariness that feeling inspires, squeezing North's hand tighter again as she does.
Anxiety disorder. Sure. That makes as much sense as anything, for him. (How did she go all these years not realising how deep it all ran, in him? Fuck.)
"...I don't even know what it could be," she says, finally. "Lina pointed at the, uh— intense emotions and uh. Codependency. But that's... kinda it. Probably why I get so fucking jealous. This uh..."
Her grip loosens, feeling suddenly embarrassed and like she should pull her hand away but not actually wanting to.
"...Theta— Theta wasn't the first time. Just the worst."
no subject
no subject
"...usually when you uh, got— serious, with someone. Like, dating wise. Friends, sometimes, but they— they didn't usually take time the same way, I-I don't know."
She's cringing even as she admits it, humiliated by her own stupid emotions. It's not normal to be jealous of people around your brother, like this, and knowing it's something wrong with her brain helps rationalise it but... ugh.
"You never did anything wrong, you were just... living your fuckin' life and I'd sit there feeling fucking sick because you didn't have as much time for me and— it's fucking stupid. I never said anything because it was fucking stupid."